Even in Relationship You’re All Alone
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Sometimes, the best lessons arrive via email.
Or, the best things we’ve learned show up in this form. In some ways, email is a form of art, one where we let our honesty reign supreme while we energetically huddle closely to the person at the other end of that written exchange.
Since we love going on and on about self-love and patterns here, I was struck at my own realization of patterns during a recent email exchange with a dear friend of how much I still needed to learn in this arena. For the sake of answering the question, “what do they mean?” when we throw around that self-love phrase, I thought I’d share some of my personal insights in this constant work in progress:
“i know well not wanting to quite stay but also not being able to let go. though i do have to say that this time apart has shown me a lot about my own stuff – and how it’s really all my own stuff.
…i have been able to really look at where i place the blame on him for my own stuff, stuff he can’t fix yet i demand it of him. i said to him last night that i go from this uber-independent woman to this uber-co-dependent woman when we’re in relationship and i get in a shitty personal space – i expect him to make it all better, to lift me up. when really i’m the only one who can lift myself up with my own life motions. but it’s easier to just get mad at him for him not being there in the way i “need”, which makes him feel a bit helpless and as if there is nothing right he can do, and so he just clams up, which makes me more upset. in this time apart, i have really seen clearly how many of our communication issues have to do with this pattern, one that was there long before him and will continue to be unless i put a stop to it.
i’m not saying it’s all on me, and i made it clear what i need from him, but it feels EMPOWERING to know i have the ability to shift so much without expecting him to change. little off subject, but i think what it always comes back to – although each of us fall so far away from it sometimes – is self-love, and building up of the self…i can’t even believe how much my confidence has grown – and my fulfillment in myself – in this process. even though sometimes it feels hard to continue pressing forward, i know it’s what is truly building me up, from the inside out.
our break-up forced me to put myself out there with friends, to seek them out more often, seek out new people, and just be open because i knew i couldn’t sit at home alone. which also takes so much pressure off of him and i – i don’t have to get everything from him because i’m getting filled up with my work and friends, which just makes our friendship/relationship better because we have so much to share and cheer each other on about. and the rawness of the hard times feels more connecting, because i’m not in blame-him or “fix-me” mode. not to say i won’t fall into these patterns at all anymore…and i know i must be vigilant to not fall into the trappings so easily, because feeling shitty but knowing i have the ability to shift that rather than feeling shitty and thinking the other person must change for me to feel better is so, so much better of a place to be.
…as this healer i worked with yesterday said to me, “you have to remember we are all alone. even when we are married to our soul mates, we are still ultimately alone. yet we have to remember, each of us is always connected to source.”
Let me ask you, what are your patterns and what can you do to change them?